For Women: When Your Choice is Dishonored by Entitled Men

Worldview
September 22, 2016
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Before I write anything else, I want to say that I’m writing from the heart on this topic. I also realize and believe that not all men are entitled to the point where they will harm a woman or end her life. But as a woman who has personally witnessed violence perpetrated against women, I cannot ignore the stories I’ve seen via social media about women who have been murdered and beaten by men for some type of slight or infraction. Meaning, a woman turned a man down or said no to his demands and he physically harmed her or killed her. These women stood up to entitled men and paid an unnecessary price.

Now, I don’t know the whole sequence of events that led to these incidents, but as a woman I know from personal experience that it more than likely had something to do with the man feeling like his demands were more important than another person’s choice. So when the woman said no to whatever his demand was…he took his rage out on her.

Not all men feel entitled when it comes to women. And this isn’t a man-bashing article. But as a woman, ask yourself this question. How many women have you seen be hurt in some way by a man’s sense of entitlement? How many times have YOU been hurt in some way by a man’s sense of entitlement? You may not know what entitled men look like, but I’m going to spell it out in just a moment so that you understand why I’m even writing this. But also so that you never again allow anyone to make you feel bad or feel crazy for saying no. Before I do that, I want to point out that entitlement in and of itself is not necessarily a bad thing. There are certain entitlements that come with – for instance – certain positions on a job or in a social or civic group. But when, because you feel entitled to having whatever it is that you want, you degrade a person as an object to help you receive your entitlement, that’s a problem.

What that looks like is a man pressures you for your time, presence, or body…after you’ve already said no countless times. Or the men at work who purposely leave you out of vital meetings and communications because it’s just how they preserve their “network” for success. Or, the men in your family have strange beliefs about the bodies of the women in their family. Or, your boyfriend or husband feels that he deserves a certain level of treatment or certain level of access to your body because he treats you well, has committed to you or (in his mind) has been an exemplary boyfriend or husband. Or maybe it’s some random man putting his hands on you and then blaming you for his lack of self-control. In each of these situations, the fact that a man is acting this way towards a woman has nothing to do with the true value of the woman. It has everything to do with the fact that these types of men believe that in relation to a woman they are superior and therefore a woman cannot deny them their status of superiority. And with that superiority comes perks (a woman’s body) and advantages (like being able to leave women out of a group that ensures professional success no matter how badly one screws up). In other words, there are men in this world who believe that women are just a means to their end of being superior. And I wish it was as simple as being left out of the “good ole’ boys network”. But it’s not.

For the women reading this, I’m writing you about this because this issue is costing some of us good jobs and threatening our well-being and survival. I keep seeing instances on social media where women are killed (as in their life is ended) because they refused to grind on a man in a club (which, for those of you who don’t know, is basically simulating sex while dancing), because they refused to give up their number or because in some way they disagreed with him. I keep seeing instances of young men raping young women and getting away with it because someone pleaded for a second chance. (Yet no one seems to realize that for these young women, a second chance at life after rape is impossible…they’ll never be the same person they once were) And all I can think is… in 2016? In 2016 what are we still not doing that men believe it’s okay to kill or rape a woman because she says no? What are we still not doing where many men AND women will read about There are many things we’re not doing, but at the root of it I believe is not addressing this sense of entitlement that many men have towards women.

I could give you my opinion, but I won’t. What I will share with you is a biblical truth – which is that the Lord asks us to view our bodies as temples for the Holy Spirit and to RUN from sexual sin. “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. ¹⁹Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; ²⁰you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies” 1 Corinthians 6: 18 – 20. How is a woman supposed to do that when most of the men she will meet in her lifetime will most likely treat her like a means to a sexual end? And when a few of those men might actually succeed in those attempts via date rape, sexual harassment, or the threat of being murdered because she actually had the nerve to say no? The short answer is that the vast majority of us won’t ever achieve that goal. We’ll be left to deal with and heal the after math and damage…unless we’re killed for saying no.

But the best way to deal with entitled men is steer clear of them altogether. So many women have fantasy of being the one to save a man from himself. And some love stories do prove that men can change for the better in response to your presence in your life. But entitled men don’t change. They only altar their outward behavior to continue to have the object of their entitlement – which is really just a selfish means to an end. If it’s a man you cannot avoid such as a boss, employee or coworker, enlist help. Tell trusted friends, colleagues and community or church members what is going on and ask for their support. As a gender group, women have got to start sticking together more on this. Yes, we need to call our friends out when they’re about to get in the cab with that stranger after having 15 jager bombs. But we need to support our friends and fellow sisters in Christ when they reveal facts about date rape, sexual harassment and other behaviors things like this that are unacceptable. Mothers also need to stop coddling their sons and start teaching them to respect women – despite meeting ones who don’t respect themselves. I’m not saying that you are responsible for every poor choice another woman makes, but at the very least we as women need to stop blaming other women and give them the support we would want for ourselves in the face of the degradation and vicitimization women suffer under men who feel entitled.

It’s time to stop accepting the explanation that men will be men. Because the truth is that not all men are like that. And the ONLY man who is really entitled to do as He wishes with us, our lives or our bodies is God – because He paid the ultimate price for it.