Ask Afi: How to Overcome the Most Unspeakable Betrayals

Ask Afi, Building Strong Christian Families, Family, Dating and Relationships
September 30, 2016
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In a previous “Ask Afi” segment, I shared with a young lady in my community how to overcome dealing with wounds that come from being failed by those you love and trust. Now, I didn’t have all the information about this young lady’s situation. In fact, I really didn’t have any details about who did what. So after I answered her, I realized there was a second response I needed to make. Because…

Offenses tend to fall into two categories…those you can move past fairly easily and those that can cripple you because of your relationship to the offender and because of the depth of the offense.

Now, I realize there are various shades of gray between those two black and white extremes. But in the spirit of not minimizing someone else’s hurt, I want to address overcoming those offenses that are crippling and that make you feel like you’ll never live, love or laugh again.

1. Accept where the offense left you: Perhaps it made you guarded and so you missed out on friendships and relationships that could have been fulfilling because you couldn’t let go of suspicion. Or maybe you wound up making choices you never would have made if you hadn’t suffered the way you did. Whatever it is, accept where this offense has left you. Until you accept it, you cannot be real about the steps you have to take to leave that place.

2. Grieve whatever you lost: For example, if you lost time in life because of how that offense set you back, grieve the loss. Don’t let anyone else tell you to just move on and stop being bitter. When you do that, you bypass a very important step in your recovery process. Properly grieving a significant loss is what helps you to move on. It allows you to be human and it allows you to reflect on the reality of your loss.

3. Stay away from dumpers and shamers: Dumpers are people who have no qualms dumping their emotional toxins on you but when you need them to provide a listening ear, they change the topic 2 minutes into you sharing or basically tell you to just get over it (because they don’t care that you’re suffering). Shamers are people who give you advice with a condescending tone that implies you should know better. If people like this are in your inner circle, it’s time to adjust your inner circle. Your inner circle needs to only have people who – even if they don’t know what to tell you – can at least provide a listening ear and non-judgmental attitude towards you. And honestly, you also might want to reconsider always allowing them to dump on you. They need to learn how to deal with their own emotional problems instead of just dumping them on you or taking it out on you. And taking on their problems when you’re trying to work out your own gets you nowhere.

4. Find a safe place to process your emotions: The problem with emotions is not that we have them. The problem is usually that we don’t have a safe place to allow them to surface and we don’t know how to effectively manage them. Find people who care about you or who are professionally equipped to handle situations like yours. Find people who can come alongside you to help, guide and encourage you. Don’t settle for dealing with dumpers and people who have no capacity to sympathize whatsoever.

5. Figure out your way forward: After your processing comes the part where you actually walk out how to overcome unspeakable betrayals. What that means is now that you have deal with your feelings about the situation and taken the time you need to heal, you follow your plan to move forward in life. It should be a plan that doesn’t include affirmations like “I’ll NEVER let someone do that to me again!” It’s a plan that includes affirmations like “People are people and I can trust my instincts and discernment regarding them”. It’s a plan that has a means for you to not allow the unfortunate circumstances of the past to dictate how you deal with others in the future. Whatever it is for you, create that plan and stick to it.