Why We Need to Give Pastor John Gray a Break

Family, Dating and Relationships
December 3, 2018
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First let me say that while I know who John Gray is, I haven’t followed him closely enough to have an opinion on him personally or as a preacher and pastor. I have, however, seen clips of him preaching different sermons and liked them. He’s funny and well-spoken. So when I came across the video of his infamous “spirit of girlfriend” message, I was a little offended. I thought “here we go again with another man in the pulpit telling women they’re the problem in the Christian dating pool…and here with go with everyone else co-signing.” Fast forward to now, I still stand by my opinion that what he said in the video is only one facet of the whole issue on how women AND men should conduct themselves as single Christians. But I also believe that he did offer some truths that women can take away – the main one being that when you decide that you won’t accept less than you deserve, you’re ready to receive what you actually desire. That being said, when I came across the clip of him talking about how his wife Aventer was a coat 2 sizes too big for him, that she was a covering for him, and that she experienced more pain in raising him up than she did in the birth of their children, I decided to wait to weigh in on what I thought. Ultimately, I’ll tell you why we need to give Pastor John Gray a break. But I will also tell you is that what is sad about the clip is that leaders and people of influence in the body of Christ will take what he’s saying out of context and keep preaching to Christian women (single and married) faulty doctrine on how they should go about finding love and keeping their marrriages in tact.

But I also think that we should be more open-minded to what John was saying so that we can look at it for what it is: his story.

Here’s why…

First, that audio clip was part of a longer interview with the Sister Circle. In that video he talked about how his mother was a single parent and it sounded like he didn’t have contact with his father. He also talked about how he felt he didn’t have positive male role models growing up that he wanted to be like. So he looked to his mother for everything he needed. The problem with children who are raised by single parents of the opposite sex and who have little to no contact with the same sex parent is that they don’t have a model on how to grow into their manhood or womanhood. What complicates the issue is a lack of positive same sex role models. And this can leave them confused about their gender identity in the sense that they’re not sure how a woman or man is or acts. It can also leave the child having to figure out on their own how to conduct themselves while they navigate life. And Pastor Gray also admitted in his interview that he had to figure out how to be a husband and father because he didn’t have the model growing up.

Second, I saw or read somewhere that Pastor Gray was sexually abused as a child. I don’t know all the details. But apparently the abuse was bad enough for him to be affected into his 40s. And honestly, the vast majority of people who are sexually abused as children struggle with self-esteem, confidence, and relationships throughout their lifetime. That being said, when he described his wife, what I heard was him describing how much she was like his mother in the sense that she had and still has a lot of influence on who he is becoming as a man. I heard him describing a woman who seemed to pick up where his mother left off. I heard him describing a marriage that God used to help restore and heal him.

Third, the experience of being in a marriage with some men really is about growing them up. While I do not believe we should push any woman to embrace this, I do believe we should support the ones that feel like God has graced to be in marriages with men who are very broken. But with that, we have to be responsible and teach women the difference between someone who is deeply broken and not perfect, and someone who just is not worth it (due to abuse, violence, or a refusal to deal with addiction). We have to encourage other women to know that they are not obligated to stay and wait for a man to grow up or grow past his brokenness.We have to let them know that they can’t pray a man out of addiction, abuse or personality disorders and stop telling women to stay in situations like this. But I also think that we have to encourage women to see that no one – no matter how much healing work you’ve done – comes into a relationship perfect. So I believe that John Gray’s confession should be part of a larger, ongoing discussion on how to handle issues of brokenness when they come up in dating and in marriage.

One of the comments I saw in response to the video when it first came out was “What is his wife getting out of this?” Aventer Gray’s choice to invest into a man who came to her broken from experiences he didn’t choose, was her choice. Another comment was something along the lines of “So she gets to sacrifice 8 years for 5 minutes or public praise?” Well, we don’t know that. John said that he would always honor her because of what she sacrificed for him, but only they know what that really looks like. No one knows the outcome of any marriage or relationship. And that’s why you have to be comfortable and okay with what you give up front, knowing that the other person can choose to walk away or not give the same in return.

The bottom line is that if you know in your heart and spirit that what someone is offering you is not the gospel truth, you don’t have to incorporate it into your life as though it is. Sometimes it should just help you to see another perspective from your own and open your eyes to what’s going on around you. As a woman, you know what’s right for you and what’s not. I’m open to hearing different perspectives, but the final say will come from whether it checks out against what God has to say about it.

Did you see the whole video? What were your thoughts?